Life after the Narcissist

#4 Things I shouldn’t have tolerated, in no particular order

This one has a happy ending. We just have to navigate through the inbetween bit first.

In some ways, this is the hardest part of the whole process of being in a relationship with a narcissist. Finally being free. But what does freedom mean?

If, like me, you were trapped for many, many years, then you have probably come to believe that you cannot possibly live without him. I know that lots of women report that they loved him too much, he was their whole world and they couldn’t picture a life without him. Perhaps I am in the minority here, but I did not stay trapped by the pretence of love. For me it was a false sense of responsibility. I remember when I spoke to the police about some of the things he had done to me, the only way I could describe it was that it was like reporting my own child, that ache to protect him was so powerful.

It was not love that made me unable to see a life without him. It was simply that I had made a commitment to myself to tolerate him forever. In exactly those words. For some bizarre, twisted reason I felt like he was my responsibility, and his secrets were mine to keep. If you’ve read any of my previous posts on this topic I talk a bit about feeling complicit in his wrong doings.

Life after he is gone is about unraveling those dreadful misconceptions we’ve been living with for too long. It’s about discovering ourselves and our power once again.

In my experience you will only ever be free if you can remove him from your life entirely. I know that might sound impossible right now, especially if you are freshly free. Perhaps he still texts you, perhaps you have children together, maybe he just wants to be friends. He’s probably confessing his heartfelt apologies and expressing his eternal love one moment and then calling you awful names and screaming at you the next. He is trying to drag you back into the cycle.

For me, he forced my hand. Harassment and stalking, driving me insane and trying to impose new rules on me from a distance, tracking my whereabouts and turning up unannounced. Waiting on the street corner. Putting his foot in the door when I tried to shut him out. Screaming at me, shouting at me, stalking me at work. I found the strength to speak to the police. After that it was a snowball of activity to the courtroom where he was served with a non-molestation order. He could no longer come near me or my workplace.

I don’t consider that day the day I became free, although technically I was. If you’ve been with a narcissist then you know what I mean when I say they become woven into you. Into every part of you.

I would walk down the street watching the ground and avoiding the eyes of strangers, I would micromanage and stress about the housework and routines. I would obsess over finances, standing at my calendar and calculating my outgoings over and over and over again until I felt like my brain was going to dribble out of my ears. I would lie awake at night reliving the terrible things he had done and chasing my thoughts around. Someone would close a door too hard and I would flinch, recognising that as a sound of danger. Someone would innocently touch me in the workplace on my arm or offer a hug and I would freeze, wanting to recoil at the offer but unable to understand or enforce my own boundaries.

Freedom doesn’t come for a while. But I promise you it will come.

Out of his shadow you will tentatively step into the light. You will find joy in choosing your next meal, you will start to lift your head as you walk down the street and you won’t be afraid of those strangers unreadable faces. You will buy yourself a new pair of shoes and you won’t have to justify it or hide them until they don’t look new anymore. You will look at your calendar and know all the bills are taken care of. You will find yourself in all the million little things that used to be such a big deal, but really aren’t.

Freedom from the narcissist is a billion new beginnings, from the menial to the huge. From getting to choose what to watch on the TV to following your own career dreams.

I cannot advocate enough that you should cut all contact. Perhaps you can’t get a restraining order, but you can choose who you let destroy your peace. Block, rinse and repeat. Rip out every contact from your social media linked to him who could be spying for him. Post what you want to post, speak what you want to speak and live how you want to live.

You deserve the world, and the world is waiting for you.

© Emma Stead

Advertisement