Gaslighting

Understanding the Narcissist

I don’t know about you, but I hear this word a lot more these days. I’m in a lot of different parenting groups on social media and quite often you’ll see mums posting frustrated rants about their partner who is driving them crazy. Usually, it’s a justified rant, she blows off steam, gets some friendly and compassionate advice, and manages to go away and sort things out with the partner. Sometimes her post is a big red flag and concerned mums reach out with words like abuse and gaslighting. But what does gaslighting mean?

Have you ever seen a comedy skit where one character puts a drink down, turns away for a moment and someone else moves the drink? When the character turns back, they reach for the drink and realise it’s not there. They blink away their confusion when they see it on the other side of the table and decide they must have made a mistake. Maybe it happens a few more times, the audience laughs but the character starts to get frustrated and confused because the reality in front of them is shifting and they can’t make sense of it. 

Gaslighting is a bit like this, it is making someone question their own reality, their memory, or their perception. This can happen in any kind of relationship; it doesn’t have to be a romantic one. It can be parents, bosses, or friends, and usually stems from a power imbalance. 

Let me give you an example of the way in which my ex would gaslight my children. He was big on playfighting – and I mean with everyone. Took it damn seriously as well and every single person who tussled with him would come away with some sort of hurt, and not because he was superior, but because he was savage. So, he would fight with the kids, and there really was no ‘letting them win’ at all, ever. And yes, they would always come away hurt. My, then, ten-year-old would walk past my ex, the ex would throw a pretend punch or grab his arm and swing him into a fight.

“Hey!” my ten-year-old says.

“Come on, fight me.” The ex replies. 

“I don’t want to.” Ten-year-old moves to leave. 

Ex swings out another arm and traps him, pretends to punch him, and makes sound effect noises of a cartoon fight. The kid retaliates with an elbow, suddenly he is drawn into the fight against his initial will. There is back and forth, the ten-year-old is really going for it, but unfortunately so is his dad. 

A few minutes later I hear the shout and then the cry and the tears. 

“Come on, that didn’t hurt,” Ex says, his tone is pinched but playful. Defensive.

“Yes, it did, owwwww my arm (insert any other appendage or body part, trust me it’s a wonder we never had broken bones after these episodes)”

“I didn’t hit you that hard,” Ex says next. 

Kid comes running to me with a wet trail of tears down his cheek clutching the hurting arm, “Mummy, daddy hurt me!”

“I didn’t touch his arm,”

“He’s just a cry-baby,”

“He’s being dramatic,”

“That didn’t hurt,” 

“I didn’t hurt you,”

And lots more variation on those, right. Notice how the ex is completely denying the poor kid’s reality here, the kid is hurt, even if it was just a shock rather than a real pain, the fact is that there was an effect for the ten-year-old and it was enough to spring tears. Notice also how there is no apology, there is no validation, there is no ownership of his own actions, only complete denial. 

This is gaslighting. It is a major tool in the narcissist’s arsenal of manipulative tactics to use against you and those around you. I’m sure you can imagine the kinds of things he could use this for against a so-called partner. 

Some common characteristics of gaslighting include flat-out denying something they have said or done – can you think of a time when you were standing opposite each other, arguing or talking heatedly because you were upset with a name, he had called you or an accusation he leveled your way, and suddenly he is denying all existence of it? He never called you that horrible name, he never says things like that, how could you even accuse him of such a thing? You must be losing the plot, going mad, hallucinating. He seems to genuinely believe every word he is saying, he doesn’t even blink, so you start to wonder if you really heard what you heard? Did you imagine it? 

Maybe he doesn’t deny it, maybe he just refuses to validate your feelings. In a similar vein to outright denying the insult, maybe he tells you that you are too sensitive or stupid. Perhaps he laughs it off and says it was only a joke, that nasty name or phrase or belittlement. You don’t know how to take a joke, you must be on your period, you are making a big deal out of nothing. Your perception and your feelings are completely denied and minimized until you start to question if your feelings are valid, he must be right, you feel ridiculous for saying anything in the first place, you feel pathetic. 

I can’t list some of the worst ways in which my ex would gaslight me right now, so I’ll have to give some slightly weaker examples.

I booked a week away, and as a side note, he never took initiative for this sort of thing and would gladly have never had a family holiday. I always discussed these things with him at length, he always had this weird anxiety about going on holiday and leaving the house unattended. Experience taught me not to be spontaneous so, of course, I discussed every outing or holiday with him before I even booked it. I paid for the holiday, when we were discussing it, we agreed that he would provide the spending money. I even clarified this with him in the months leading up to the date because he was notoriously bad with money and needed reminding to put some cash aside for the holiday.

I must have known in the back of my mind that there would be a problem, because I set some money aside myself, just in case. We got to the accommodation, nipped out to the local tesco to get supplies and headed for the checkout. True to his nature, he leaned in as we were unloading the trolley and muttered, “have you got your card?”

Whenever we went shopping or out for dinner or took the kids out, he would take my bank card off me before the point of payment so that he could be the one to whip out a card and take credit for paying, it made him look generous, manly, or whatever it was he was going for, but the fact was that he was using my card and my money the whole time. 

So, we were in this queue, he asked for my card, and I looked up at him with my eyebrows drawn, “I thought you were providing all the spending money?”

He pulled that classic confused frown of his, “since when?” 

“Since I paid for the holiday, remember we had an agreement because you couldn’t afford to pay half of the accommodation at the time that I booked it?” 

He shook his head incredulously, “I would never have agreed to that, I don’t get paid until next week, I would have known I couldn’t do the spending money.” 

“You’ve had months so save up, I’ve been reminding you?”

“You haven’t once told me I needed to save money for this holiday, you’re the one who wanted to go away, you said you would pay for it.” 

“I said I would pay for the holiday because you didn’t have the money when we booked it, then we agreed you would pay the spending money, how can you not remember?” 

“That conversation never happened. Once again, you have come up with a plan in your own head, failed to share it with me and now I look like the bad guy, well done Emma. Do you want to tell the kids we have to go home, or should I?”

The kids were literally standing right next to us and start whining and crying because they didn’t want to go home. The lady at the checkout was watching the whole exchange and I could feel heat flooding up my face, not wanting to draw attention to us or to him when he is on the edge of being awful to me. 

“We don’t have to go home, don’t cry, don’t be sad, we’re on holiday remember, we’re going to have fun fun fun!” I beam at the children. 

“Daddy said!”

“Daddy’s mistaken, baby. It’s okay,” I handed him my card without meeting his eyes. I couldn’t bring myself to look at the smugness there. 

Gaslighting. We both knew that we had that conversation, every time I reminded him in the months leading up to the holiday, he would put cash in an envelope in the kitchen and then take it out again for something else a few days later. He continued to deny all of it for the years that followed if it ever came up, and I was so confused. Was he that stupid that he had forgotten? Was he stubbornly trying not to admit he made a mistake? Or was I insane? Was he right when he said I just make up things in my own head, never speak a word of it and then get upset when these things don’t happen? 

He used to use that one a lot, telling me that I make up things in my own head. It gave me huge waves of anxiety if I ever had a problem that needed talking about, it made me a bit passive aggressive as well I think, because I would seethe in my own head that he didn’t wash up the kid’s dinner stuff while I was at work, for example, but the words would stick in my throat. I just knew his response would be that I didn’t ask him to do it, that he wasn’t a mind reader and that it wasn’t fair of me to get mad about it if I didn’t ask him before I went to work. But I always asked him to do it before I went to work. Getting mad was a valid response on my part, but he would so emphatically deny that I had asked, and it would cause so much nastiness and drama. Instead, I would come in and furiously and silently start cleaning before I went to bed, too afraid to say anything, but secretly hoping he would pick up on the vibe and do something helpful next time. Obviously that never happened, instead we would argue about how cold and distant I was, that I always seemed mad at him, I wasn’t affectionate or loving enough, I was just stiff and quiet all the time.

These are far from the worst examples that I could give you. And I will probably share my darkest experiences in time, I just can’t yet. I hope that this shows how even the most mundane of things like washing up and spending money can be twisted and used as mind games against you.

Gaslighting really messes with your head, significantly so over a long period of time. You question your own feelings, you question your own memory, your perception. You begin to exist inside another persons twisted, selfish reality and you aren’t a real person anymore. Gaslighting is dangerous. If you see the signs, run away. Trust me.

© Emma Stead

Read more from this series…

10 responses to “Gaslighting”

  1. Shoot. Hope I’m not guilty, don’t think so, but it serves to put me on guard. Do recognize others tell me, “Well you said!” or “You never said!” when I know better, being to a fault a one-two-three planner and organizer. Interesting reads.

    Like

  2. To my “cyber-friends/pals” around the world….

    Thanks for the follow/link/like/reblog and/or kind thought(s)

    Hi everyone

    I do really appreciate your liking, linking to and/or following this blog (and “writing in”), so “thanks to YOU all for the thanx” (in thought)

    if you want to follow me, go to https://www.facebook.com/craig.lock.31

    and

    https://www.facebook.com/Uplift-Encourage-and-Inspire-479972392393133/

    Though my family and close friends say it would be far more entertaining with a video-camera* in the “real world”, rather than in cyberspace!)
    * By the way, do they still make them in today’s ever-faster changing world..or is it all done with mobile phones?

    (get with the times now,”luddite”* c – it should be a smart phone)

    * or so I was often called by my “my techno-geek” friend, Bill (“the gonk”)

    “total non-techno” c (who doesn’t possess a mobile phone, after a rather eventful’ experience some years back, whilst trying to walk, talk and chew gum at the same time) #

    Who says men can’t multi-task!

    “The impossible we do immediately. Miracles take a little longer.”
    # (You may think I’m joking, but just ask my friends!)

    Men…Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em!

    “You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm.”

    – Colette (nice name for a girl, btw)

    Now back to the message I was posting before I got distracted

    enjoy anyway

    “totally impulsive + “early bird”* c
    * my “best” time (by far)

    #

    Hi

    CAN’T KEEP UP…BUT THANKS FOR THE “THANX”

    I’ve had many many hundreds of thousands (even “zillions”) of comments on my various other WordPress blogs at https://craigsblogs.wordpress.com/2011/09/09/craigs-list-of-blogs-updated-sept-2011/
    in recent years …true!). A few of my blogs went “balistically viral” a few years back and I got swamped with comments on my various blogs… so had to close them all off.

    Obsessive or WHAT! Am really pleased you are enjoying my writings, as the reason I write is to share.

    Though I’m rather “driven”, I still get really, really fatigued (there’s a few books there). So sorry can’t reply individually to all you good people scattered around the planet. As mentioned (stop repeating yourself, c – bad writing…otherwise the first signs of approaching senility!), I was unable to keep up with the comments and was spending entire days just on replies on my various blog pages, so had to close them off on all of my blogs, except for one or two of particular interest to me.

    Sorry and hope you can understand.

    “Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.”

    ~ Franz Kafka

    I do really appreciate your liking, linking to and/or following this blog (and “writing in”), so “thanks for the thanx”

    “As we live and move and have our being, so from this vision, we create heaven in our own lives… and perhaps even heaven on earth.”
    – craig (as inspired by Acts 17:28 and the words of Felicia Searcy)

    “Aim at the earth and you may not get off the ground.a
    “Aim at the stars and you may reach the moon.”
    “Aim at heaven and you’ll have earth thrown in…
    and you may even hit the stars.”
    – craig (as inspired by the famous quote by CS Lewis – 24th May 2012)

    “When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return.”
    – Leonardo da Vinci

    When (or if ever) you arrive in heaven, let faith, hope and love be the wings that carried you there.”

    – as adapted from the inspiring words of Jonathan Edwards, former minister in New England, Massachusetts

    “The Greatest Race: Living by (with) faith, hope and love is the highest podium any person can reach, God’s podium that anyone stand on.”
    – c

    “Having pursued the goals, the dreams set before us and run the race with persistence and endurance, after giving it all. Then one day standing on the summit of life, breathing in the pure sweet oxygen of achievement, totally satisfied in running the greatest race, the race of life one that ANYONE can run and win.”

    from http://racetothechequeredflag.wordpress.com/
    and http://www.godandformula1.wordpress.com

    “If a man is called to be a street-sweeper,
    he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted,
    or Beethoven composed music, or
    Shakespeare wrote poetry.
    He should sweep streets so well
    that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say,
    here lived a great street sweeper
    who did his job well.”
    – Dr Martin Luther King, Jr.

    PPS
    Instead of trying to reply to each one of you, I’ll just keep on writing (which I’m often told is what is “safest” for me!)

    “If the doctor told me I had six minutes to live, I’d type a little faster.”

    The various books* that Craig “felt inspired to write” are available at http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B005GGMAW4

    http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=la_B005GGMAW4_sr?rh=i%3Abooks&field-author=Craig+Lock

    https://www.createspace.com/pub/simplesitesearch.search.do?sitesearch_query=%22craig+lock%22&sitesearch_type=STORE

    http://www.creativekiwis.com/index.php/books

    and http://goo.gl/vTpjk

    All proceeds go to needy and underprivileged children –
    MINE!

    “When the writer is no more , the value of your purchase will soar! ”

    Don’t worry about the world ending today…
    as it’s already tomorrow in scenic and tranquil ‘little’ New Zealand

    PPS

    “I wish you well on a rainy day
    I wish you rainbows to brighten your day
    To feel your quiet moments with a special kind of warmth
    to remind you that happiness can happen
    when you least expect it.

    I wish you rainbows to make you laugh and smile
    to show you the simple beauty of life
    and to give you the magic of dreams come true.

    I wish you rainbows
    I wish you well.”

    – Larry S. Chengges

    ”Since I can never see your face,
    And never shake you by the hand,
    I send my soul through time and space
    To greet you. You will understand.”

    – James Elroy Flecker (1884-1915

    Liked by 1 person

    • sorry my long “diatribe” was meant to appear on my blog and NOT yours
      Happy writing
      “early bird (very) sleepy-head” c

      Like

  3. I’m glad you wrote this Emma.
    Thank you.
    You dropped by my trivial site and so now I have been richly rewarded by having tracked back to find this well written, important, perceptive, and helpful post on Gaslighting. I am so glad the word ex featured throughout.
    By sheer luck someone told me about the importance of having ‘Get #&#_*ed’ money tucked away when I was young and this gave me the freedom to walk out of a number of places where bosses did what I now realise was Gaslighting.
    I sincerely hope you and your children are now far, far away from these very dark woods.
    Best wishes
    DD

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I thought an article in Psychology Today could be of interest to you and/ or readers of this post. It suggests that Emotionally Intelligent people may be vulnerable to manipulation by Narcissists and discusses the basis of such manipulation.
    Title:
    4 Ways a Narcissist Manipulates the Emotionally Intelligent

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Create your website with WordPress.com
Get started
%d bloggers like this: